Warning: Your opinion may vary
E3 2016 having come and gone feels like a distant memory at this point, but that won’t stop me from making a list of who I thought the winners and losers of the show were. Somehow, I think some of you will disagree, and that is fine by me. Opinions are like assholes: I love ’em.
Winner:This guy wearing a baseball cap and two cowboy hats at the same time in LAX.
Loser: This guy who started putting on all his clothing from his carry-on because it was deemed too large moments before his flight was set to depart. Luckily an airport worker gave him a large plastic bag.
Winner: This nearby taco restaurant housed inside of a car wash, for somehow continuing to exist.
Winner:Nintendo for the sleekZeldalanyards used to hold our badges this year, and also for the dual Links from the new game making many of us question if lady Link was about to be announced.
Loser:Nintendo for giving lame-ass excuses for not having lady Link or Zelda as playable characters.
Winner:Abzu, the beautiful aquatic adventure game by the art director ofJourneyand with the same composer to boot. My favorite game of E3 2016.
Loser: Everyone who had to stand in line for Bethesda’s conference while this blastedice cream truck parked beside us and blared its infernal musicuntil we lost our minds.
Winner:Bloodstainedfor not being a steaming pile of mediocre garbage, unlike other recently released Kickstarted games. Backers should have codes now for the E3 demo in their email inboxes if you want to see if you agree.
Loser: This guy who had his picture taken with Igarashi while his backpack pulled his shirt skin-tight, making him look like a real idiot.
Winner: Telltale’sBatmanfor surprising me by having lots of Bruce Wayne, and its own original story.
Loser: All the games at the Xbox booth with terrible frame rate issues such asSong of the Deepthat releases next month, andDead Rising 4, which somehow managed to run and look even worse than the last one.
Winner:Rare’sSea of Thieveswas a joy to play. Playing music as pirates setting out to sea with the intentions of sending other pirates to Davy Jones’ Locker was probably the most fun I had at E3 this year.
Loser:Everyone who had to watch the awful “OH MY GOD I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT CLIMBING A FUCKING LADDER, OPENING SAILS, AND WALKING AROUND IN A CIRCLE!!!”Sea of Thievestrailer at the Xbox press conference. I’m sure just the mention of it gives people flashbacks to the pain their ears endured that day.
Winner:Titanfall 2for being the best time I’ve had hooking since college; grappling hooking, that is. The game just felt far more balanced than the first as taking down titans was a bit more difficult, plus we are getting a single-player campaign that sounds awesome. Are titans living, sentient beings? I’m not sure, but I bet we find out.
Loser:Battlefield 1. Seemingly everyone was hyped going into E3, but I can’t say I feel the same way after playing it. Sure, DICE has fixed a lot of issues I had with the series like being constantly sniped, which made close-quarters combat feel pointless before now, but it was still quite rough around the edges and bland. That said, it was listed as pre-alpha, which seemed more like a shield from criticism than an actual early product — the game releases in under four months.
Female soldiers were originally planned forBattlefield 1but were thendropped under the guise of realism, meanwhileFrance and Russia won’t be in the game’s multiplayerat launch either so I guess they are as insignificant as women to World War I.
